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I can summarise Saints Row: The Third in one sentence:

I was beating zombies to death with a giant pink dick.

Of course everyone by now probably is aware that the Saints Row is a ludicrously wacky take on open world shooters.

We’re used to games like Grand Theft Auto where you can urban warfare to a whole new level and we’re used to space marines being bullet proof and saying daft things…what happens when you combine the two in a cauldron and then add some clowns?

You get something that both sucks and is awesome at the same time.

Saints Row: The Third is a sequel to Saints Row 2 (I know! Crazy eh?!) where the Saints (a gang) have sold out to become corporate whores…suddenly they lose everything and come back down to their gangster roots to begin their war all over again.

To conquer Steelport the Saints will need to take on three major rival gangs: The Morning Star, The Deckers and the Luchadores. Each of the gangs is connected in many ways including to a global organisation called “The Syndicate” and its your job to make a total mess of things in whatever manner you see fit.

All the while the Syndicate will fight back against you and you will also be targeted by a heavily futuristic armed military known as S.T.A.G. who specifically target and destroy big name gangs.

Let’s be honest though, you don’t care about the story and neither do I…it’s just a little something on the side to keep you blowing shit up frequently.

So how does this insane game actually play? Pretty well actually…

I honestly expected less, I found the later GTA games increasingly dull so I really didn’t want to go into a game like this and have soberness anywhere…thankfully there is no sober aspects to this game at all.

Your job is the same as the previous games…control territories. You’ll need to earn respect in regions, buy out shops, extort companies for cash and defeat opposing gangs. There is multiple ways you can accomplish this however the game tries to tie you into doing everything which is frustrating…you can’t just be an “Anti-gangster” or “Quester”. You’ll need to search and destroy gangs, buy everything, complete stupid and repetitive mini-games as well as do main story quests.

I guess if you’re looking to just mash peoples faces in and not worry about territory control then hell, who cares…just go out and do whatever.

The combat mechanics are a bit pointless to be honest…you can crouch and roll around but all in all it’s just easier to stand behind something and blast away until everything stops moving. There is no point getting anything that isn’t the cop pistols because at full power they will one or two hit anything with headshots…which you inevitably will get with a mouse.

The boring mechanics are offset however by insane combat scenes…In the above screenshot I escaped from a bondage house on a gimp-horse cart…There was also naked pistol shooting, parachuting with a tank, zombie dildo smashing…etc. You get the idea.

I really have to recommend this game to the hardcore realism enthusiast because this game will take you back to gaming roots where its all about fun…to hell with challenges and serious fighting.

You’ll also have a decent arsenal available to you with access to: Fists, melee weapons, pistols, SMGs, Shotguns, Assault Rifles, Rockets and speciality guns (snipers, UAVs etc). You’ll need to choose which guns you want to carry with you as you can’t carry everything but the game makes it easy for you…whichever gun you upgrade – take with you…everything else sucks.

Visually speaking, the game doesn’t exactly break down any barriers. Everything looks sort of dull and it seems like things where rushed, all-in-all we end up with a slightly enhanced Grand Theft Auto game. As with anything though, the game tries to offset its lack of stunning visuals by spamming “style”…aka motion blur on everything…which I promptly turned off.

Much can be said though of the different environments. Steelport itself feels very industrial (as you might expect with a name like Steelport) and you’ll constantly be whisked away to do various missions in weird locations. Each location has its own style which sort of makes the visuals chaotic because you don’t know what to expect.

Weirdly…the chaos suits this game.

Many things could be said of Saints Row: The Third…but “boring” isn’t one of them. This game is jam-packed with crazy stunts and outlandish scenes which makes for some great gaming fun.

Unfortunately though it lacks a lot in typical game flow…you’ll end up fighting gangs with teleporting enemies and thunder hammers…but you can’t become one of them or steal their teleporting ability…which would be cool.

I have to admit though, one thing that makes the entire game awesome is the music on the radio. If you do get this game, crank on K12 radio…you’ll hear some awesome artists like Benny Benassi, Deadmau5 and Rusko.

Anyway, this game is fun yet flawed. If you’re out to change up your gaming arsenal and do something different and ultimately enjoyable then give this game a go…just don’t pay full retail for it…wait for a bargain bin special.

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